Thursday, December 9, 2010

Guilt


Dad's swallow is not coming back as quickly as we hoped and Dad had surgery today to insert a PEG. His throat will feel better now.

We are looking at a December 17 release date. Dad is not ready to come home, so we are wandering, like zombies, in and out of skilled nursing facilities hoping to find one that will work. None are good enough. All are full of old people. This is a revelation to me. When did my parents get old? I am not convinced they are and don't have to be.

I feel guilt when I eat.

I feel guilt when I walk.

I feel guild when I laugh.

I feel guilt when I plan something fun, and doing it is even worse.

6 comments:

  1. My brother and I felt guilty when we had to look for a nursing home for my mom with Advance Alzheimer's. On top of that we needed a locked down unit. Guilt with a capital G.

    Your father knows what's going on and you all have no choice but, believe me, to feel like he has a bit of control left he will probably give you all a hard time.

    You all are in my prayers still.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Oh Kelly,
    I am so sorry this has been so hard....I can't imagine having to do this! But I know your Dad if he is anything like you would feel terrible if he knew your thoughts and guilt......take it easy on yourself! Having lost my folks at ages 59 and 60....I have not had to watch them get "old"....but I have seen it in my friends parents and it can be a shocker! Take it one step at a time and I know there will be a place that will work for the short amount of time you are looking at....it is just for rehab, right? Not a permanent solution.... if I read it right....I am think of you!

    ReplyDelete
  3. What would happen if we replaced the guilt with other emotions? What if we replaced guilt with pleasure that he wasn't taken from us? What if we replaced guilt with joy in following his work ethic? What if we replaced guilt with a lesson learned that life is meant to be lived now, to be enjoyed now, to be cherished now? What if we replaced guilt with wonder over the miracles of our lives, our loves? I say we replace guilt with meatloaf and pizza and ice cream and fudge and favorite movies and holiday decorations and laughter. Let's replace guilt with long walks in the cold night, with quiet talks on the couch, with stories from the past and dreams of the future. Let's make love, make snickerdoodles, make paper chains, make memories. Let's make sure your dad knows life - his life, our lives, our kids lives - are still worth living, still worth fighting for. There's no guilt in that.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Don't choose to be unhappy because of this. It's fatalist. Nobody stops you from being happy but you. You can be with him now in however tiny form it may seem. From personal experience, when you lose precious things, every tiny bit becomes enormous. It isn't over, it's just different.

    It sucks. Everything sucks. Then you get over it. Then you get up and do something about it. You survive it. You don't sit in the mud, you make mud pies.

    You are a gem and you have far too many people to remind you anything otherwise. You have to start reminding yourself. You're a gem: a rarity, a gift, a beauty and a tough freaking rock. You inspire greatness. Don't stop. Don't forget.

    ReplyDelete
  5. I know. I cried at John's comments. It is difficult to move forward, but there is no other direction. I know.

    Hugs to you from me
    Karen

    ReplyDelete